By: Joseph Castrogiovanni, M.S., MHC-LP
“Happy New Year! This year will be different! This time I am going to reach all my goals; and in record time!” Fast forward one month and all that zeal is quickly fading into the background; consumed by erroneous and self-defeating beliefs.
It’s that time of year again everyone – new year – new me! As the excitement of the holidays begins to die down, the reality of those new year’s resolutions kicks in. Historically, February is when my resolutions begin to come unraveled. I am sure many of us are familiar with the process. Pick some things that you would like to change/improve in your life. Set lofty goals. Don’t plan accordingly. Become discouraged. Struggle for a few more weeks, maybe a few more months if you’re lucky. Recycle unreached goals next year.
Have you been steadfast in all your endeavors?! If you have, feel free to stop reading now; you’re super human and have no need for such information. But I digress. For the rest of us fallible humans, the path forward requires consistency and persistence.
In the past, I realized I wasn’t progressing the way I would like to and felt defeated. Specifically, I would interpret my failures as indicators of who I am as a person. I would tell myself self-defeating statements like: of course it didn’t work out and it is too difficult for me to change. Upon reflection, I was able to identify a source. These thoughts were derivations of one primary belief: “I am never good enough.” It is in this way that I participate in my own suffering and create the emotional experience of defeat.
As I began to unpack this experience, one of the first questions that came to mind was: “Is it true that my failures are indicative of my value as a person?” In analysis, it is not accurate to think that my value is tied to how successful I am in the pursuit of my goals. People are far too complex to judge in a unidimensional way. It is far more likely that my failures only indicate my performance at a specific task. Furthermore, this experience provides invaluable grist for the mill. It shows me exactly where to focus my efforts in order to improve.
For the next order of business, I had to figure out if I am never good enough. Though it may be a difficult position to maintain, there are indeed times when I believe I am good enough. Therefore, it cannot be true that I am never good enough. But how will I ever really know if I am good enough?
I suppose that depends on how one defines “good enough.” For me “good enough” means that I have the physical and mental capacity to work towards something that is personally meaningful. Upon reflection, I realized that I have always chosen to pursue meaning in my life. Even in the darkest moments; even when I had previously believed that I was not good enough. By default, this means that I am “good enough” as long as I’m alive. This insight revivified my conviction. Instead of feeling defeated and letting some of my goals fall to the way side, I feel committed.
However, insight does not equal change. This is where consistency and persistence are especially important. I have been believing that I am not good enough for about as long as I can remember. Therefore, I expect it will take time and effort to become proficient in the application of this new way of thinking. Fortunately, I already have everything I need to pursue that which is meaningful to me.
