By: Monica Shah, M.Ed.
We’ve all felt hurt by someone before. Whether it be a friend, a lover, a family member, or merely an acquaintance. When this happens, we have two choices – we can either ruminate on the bad behavior, leading ourselves to feel anger and resentment and even more pain, or we can choose to forgive.
Sometimes people are hesitant to forgive because they view it as an acceptance of bad behavior. Forgiveness does not require condoning the bad behavior. Rather, forgiveness involves accepting the other person as a flawed human being who makes mistakes and can act badly at times, like all of us. Despite these flaws, that person is still worthwhile and made up of more than just their bad behavior – again, just like all of us. There may even be reasons you can come up with for why this person may have acted in the way that he or she did. In this way, we can begin to acknowledge that the behavior was bad without condemning the person who committed it. If you can work on developing this attitude of acceptance, true forgiveness can be cultivated.
Perhaps most important to remember is that forgiveness is for yourself. We may think we are punishing the other person by withholding our forgiving, but the only people we are truly harming are ourselves. The alternative to forgiveness is bitterness and resentment. In fact, chronic unforgiveness can lead to physical ailments, as well as relationship problems and mental health issues like anxiety, depression, and substance abuse. Forgiveness releases us from this cycle of pain, and allows us to take control of how we feel, rather than allowing someone else’s behavior to determine our emotional health.
Forgiveness also does not require that you reconcile or restore trust in the relationship. You can choose not to have certain people in your life, or limit your interactions, while still forgiving their bad behavior for your own good. If you do wish to reconcile, however, forgiveness is critical – without it, we end up in a cycle of hurt that we in large part cause to ourselves. The original transgression may have led to your hurt feelings initially, but holding on to it leads to self-inflicted pain. If the wrongdoer has acknowledged the bad behavior and is working on change, you are jointly making a decision to move forward. But by ruminating and reliving the pain caused to us in the past, we lock ourselves into an emotional prison of unhealthy negative feelings. Whether your goal is to continue a relationship with the transgressor, or simply to release yourself from this cycle of pain, forgiveness is the answer.
So how do we get there? It can help to first accept the reality of what happened, the ways in which it affected you, and the hurt and anger that you felt. Second, make the conscious choice to let go of your anger and resentment. Ultimately, forgiveness is a decision. Know that you are making this decision more for yourself than for your injurer. Forgiveness benefits the forgiver, and choosing to forgive opens the door to a healthier life for ourselves. Finally, work on shifting your perspective on the object of hurt through reframing. Reframing allows us to look at the original offense in a new way. Try thinking about the situation from the offender’s point of view and understanding why they may have committed the bad behavior; again, this is not condoning their behavior, but an exercise in cultivating forgiveness for ourselves. It can also help to make meaning out of the situation by thinking about the ways in which you have grown as a result. Whenever you feel hurt or anger related to the transgression, challenge yourself by using these reframing tactics. We can’t change the negative situation, but we can work on changing how we feel and think about it.
Is there a person in your life with whom you could practice cultivating forgiveness?
