By: Aliza Panjwani, M.A.
I’ll be happy just as soon as I… am finished with this deadline, semester, project, meeting, relationship. We often talk about happiness like it is some sort of elusive, utopic destination that we will magically arrive at as soon as our circumstances change. Usually, however, after we achieve or attain something, the happy feeling dissipates rather quickly because we soon move onto the next item on our never-ending “I’ll Be Happy as Soon as I…” list.
Have you ever wondered why they call it, ‘the pursuit of happiness’? Albert Ellis once said, “Life is indeed difficult, partly because of the real difficulties we must overcome in order to survive, and partly because of our own innate desire to always do better, to overcome new challenges, to self-actualize. Happiness is experienced largely in striving towards a goal, not in having attained things, because our nature is always to want to go on to the next endeavor.”
I often wonder, what does it mean to “be happy” exactly? Is it to smile or laugh? If so, how long does the smile and laughter have to last for one to be considered a “happy” person? Given that it is our nature to move on the next item on our list, how do we even arrive at a stable and steady state of happiness? What if something negative happens and then we feel sad and disappointed for a little while, are we no longer a happy person? And, importantly, do we subsequently start criticizing ourselves?
See, I think that we have this demand that we SHOULD be happy…whatever that is. We fall into traps of comparing ourselves to people whose Instagram and Facebook social media pages appear as if in their lives, the sun is perpetually shining, flowers are continuously blooming, and that spring is never-ending. We start comparing ourselves to peers in professional settings. You know, we might say, “Wow, everything comes so easy to Janet. It must be nice to be her” even though we actually have no idea what Janet is experiencing internally or behind closed doors.
The way I wrap my head around these ideas is that instead of striving toward happiness and never fully reaching the destination, maybe we consider pursuing a life of meaning or purpose. That way, when we experience the ups-and-downs of life that are ultimately inevitable, we’d be better able to ride out the waves of emotions that seem all-consuming. We’d be more equipped to question our unhelpful beliefs regarding this idea of being happy. For example, during a particularly tough time in pursuit of our goals, we could ask ourselves, “Am I striving towards a meaningful life? If yes, then can I tolerate the discomfort of my journey having moments where I feel I am at the top of my world and other moments where I am struggling?” We could remind ourselves of the following: “Ultimately, if I try my best to live according to the values that are important to me, then I can stand feeling joy and elation sometimes and experiencing sadness and disappointment other times. It won’t mean anything about me as a person; in fact, it would make me human.”
What about you? Do you ever think that happiness is an oft-sensationalized concept? What if you replaced the idea of “the pursuit of happiness” with “the pursuit of meaning”? How would that change the way you reflect on life? Would you be more self-compassionate? What would you tell yourself differently about the highs-and-lows? And, would you let go of some of those demands?
