By: Stephen C. Bosco, M.A.
Rejection is something I have experienced, more than I would prefer. Being rejected can come in all different flavors. You can experience rejection in all mediums. Rejection is universal and does not discriminate. Given there is not one way to experience rejection, it is the point of this entry to discuss rejection more generally. My experiences with rejection are plentiful and have ranged from rejection letters from schools to being rejected by a potential mate. The delivery of a rejection does not make matters better; in fact there are times when the actual method of delivery can exacerbate the experience of being rejected. For example, being rejected in person by a potential mate still stings, but being rejected through a text message stings just a bit more. In a shocking change of events, I am not going to discuss rejection from a potential mate, but talk more about how best to handle rejection.
Let me just say, being rejected is not a fun time. When we experience rejection we are likely to attribute the rejection to something about our being and our personal character. As a doctoral student, I have experienced a great deal of rejection. When I was applying to Ph.D. programs I sent out 10 applications and received 9 letters of rejection. With every rejection letter I read, I thought that I am not a good fit for graduate school and I should give up on my dream of becoming a psychologist. Each single sheet of paper that started with the words, “Thank you for your interest, but…” was the absolute worst experience. If I am being rejected over and over again, I must be a reject, I must not be good enough, I must not be smart enough, and I must not be desired. My negative self-ratings were associated with a slew of unhealthy negative emotions, specifically depression, as I truly believed I was worthless. However, these self-rating beliefs connected to depression or other unhealthy negative emotions (i.e., anger, aggression) are not limited to graduate school rejections- this connection is observed across all types of rejection.
Given the universality of rejection, it is important that we are able to appropriately handle such an event. We do not have control over the act of rejection, but we do have control over how we handle it as well as how we attribute being rejected to our self as a person. I am not going to tell you that you are not allowed to feel whatever you feel about being rejected. There is an appropriate and healthy level of disappointment and sadness you can experience. These healthy emotions can provide you with a learning experience and motivate you to push forward. The overgeneralization of worthlessness is an irrational and false belief. Just because you were rejected does not make you a reject. Despite my grand experience of being rejected and believing that I am worthless and feeling depressed and ashamed, I never gave up. The first rejection will always sting, but we remove that stinging sensation though unconditional self-acceptance. We preferably should unconditionally accept ourselves as we are fallible humans. These moments of rejection do not need to cast a shadow over your worth. You are allowed to mess up and you are allowed to feel upset and disappointed. When you reject yourself or believe yourself to be worthless that is the time when you stop trying and stop learning. By accepting yourself as fallible and worthwhile when confronted with rejection is when you begin to strive towards your goals.
