By: Kimberly Alexander, M.S.
Recently, I spent a good bit of thought and time planning an event for a friend and when the day finally came, the event was cancelled for a variety of reasons that couldn’t be planned for prior to the day and with no possibility of a makeup. I wasn’t quite mad or sad but if there was a word for a level 8 “disappointment” (1-10 scale; 10 being most severe), then that would be the emotion. Usually when I’m this disappointed about something, rumination about replaying the events and various possibilities… essentially the “shoulda, coulda, wouldas” follow. “I shoulda tried harder.” “I coulda came up with more ideas.” “I woulda done X things differently if only I realized it sooner.” I spend hours going back and forth in my head trying to change a situation that has already occurred and then I get mad at myself for having wasted so much time picking apart all of my decisions.
So here I am now questioning if hard work really pays off. Perhaps this is a fable we tell children to help them feel motivated to work a little more than they play but, where is it written that hard work MUST pay off? How many extenuating variables that influence the outcome of any given situation are NOT accounted for when you say to yourself “Hard work Must pay off.” Perhaps you “shoulda, coulda, woulda” tried or worked harder but is holding this level of responsibility for any situation, let alone one that has already passed, healthy and helpful for you?
I know that for myself, questioning these things is important because while I have no intentions to stop working and trying hard, I want to let go of this demand I place on myself that because I put in a lot of effort, things MUST work out. Disappointment is a healthy negative emotion to have, but not when it is to the extent that results in rumination and excessive self-blame. Whether it be about professional goals, romantic relationships, friendships, family, or simply my daily schedule, there is no reason that any amount of my hard work MUST “pay off.” Even if I had to account for all the times I worked hard and reaped great rewards, at those times, I truly couldn’t guarantee those positive outcomes a priori even if it “felt” like it in the moment. Kind of like in sports betting, the odds determine how much you win based on the amount of your wager, but your wager does not guarantee a win. Likewise, the amount of hard work you wager in any given situation only helps to determine how much you gain IF (not WHEN) things work out given the odds.
To reinforce this and nuke those shoulda, coulda, wouldas, I have begun to list all the extenuating variables (i.e. people/personalities, bad weather, venue/location, poor service, etc.) that can throw a wrench in a plan, event, outcome, etc., and then when that urge to shoulda, coulda, woulda comes on, I start checking items off the list. This helps to remind me that all outcomes, successes and failures alike, are never entirely, absolutely, or indubitably in my complete control but the hard work I wager will increase my gain if things work out given the odds.
Finally, you may still be wondering, “What if there WAS something very important that you shoulda, coulda, woulda done differently?” Well, I never said that couldn’t be the case. But as the novelist, Mark Caney, once said, “The undisciplined mind confuses misfortune with mistakes.”
