By: Christina Eagle, L.M.H.C.
Titles, obligations, and expectations…Oh My! Having someone like a close friend a.k.a Best Friend Forever (BFF) within your support system is beneficial in so many ways. They can be a shoulder to cry on, help you through hard times, celebrate achievements, and encourage you to be your best. But what happens when the support they provide becomes a demand that they should fulfill their duties as your best friend?
It is incredibly easy to turn any of the aforementioned supportive roles into something that has become the “You MUST Monster.” You must be available when I need someone to talk to. You must be there for my birthday celebration or job promotion party. You must provide good and solid advice when I need help processing my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes we become comfortable enough that our demands resemble entitlement. Once this occurs, one may tend to become rather angry. As a result, friendships will get tested and unfortunately, sometimes end due to the emotional explosion.
On the other hand, if we learn to appreciate the value the friend brings to our life and remove the demandingness, then our emotional response will change to feelings of disappointment/sadness rather than anger. Experiencing these healthy negative emotions instead of unhealthy anger can help facilitate the ability to assess clearly if this person provides value to your life or if their actions trigger constant disappointment. Once you’re able to clearly assess the value & the level of disappointment, you can make a decision on whether to continue the relationship.
Imagine this…you’re angry because your bestfriend bailed on your birthday party at the last minute. In return, you become completely pissed and end your friendship or you decide not to be as close to them anymore because they should have been in attendance or they should have never cancelled last minute. Now you’ve made an impulsive decision while experiencing the unhealthy anger.. Whereas, if you’ve set yourself up for the potential of that friend not being able to attend but also understanding that you prefer if they did share this joyous moment with you; your level of emotional preparedness will be significantly healthier. Instead of feelings of anger you will likely experience disappointment because you’ve told yourself that you would like it if they would have been able to attend but understand that there’s no reason they absolutely must have done so. Once you’ve gathered the data on their behavioral patterns, you can clearly make a decision on the value in continuing a friendship with that person.
Can you learn to appreciate your friends without demanding they “act like a friend”?
