By: Ashley Oliver, M.S.
Dealing with a breakup can be difficult, but it becomes even more difficult when you decide to take blame for the end of the relationship. I recently had dinner and drinks with a friend who just experienced a breakup with her boyfriend of two years. And to make matters worse…her boyfriend ended the relationship by telling her “she just wasn’t good enough” for him. So as you might imagine, she was in a lot of distress and blamed herself completely for the demise of the relationship.
I did as any supportive friend would do – I listened intently to her endless rants of how sad she felt and how she believed that she was truly ALL to blame. Why wasn’t she good enough? What’s “wrong” with her? Questions like these were followed by self-defeating comments about what she should or could have done to restore the relationship.
It was difficult to hear her feelings. For a while, I kept my rational thoughts and feelings to myself. To share or not to share? That was the REAL question! After going through a mental battle in my mind, I finally decided it would be in my friends best interest to be honest and share that I thought she was taking the comment personally, which was fueling much of her distress.
Rejection does not have to be a reflection of one’s self-worth. Rejection via a breakup can be an unpredictable and arbitrary force rather than the result of a personal flaw. A breakup is not ideal, however rejection happens. It’s a part of life and growth. Not every relationship will last 2, 5, 10, or even 50 years. And that is not a reflection of a personal defect in you as a person. I firmly told my friend that his choice and this #RelationshipFail, doesn’t make her a failure. He just chose another path, and though that was not preferred, she can work to accept this truth.
We can work to change our irrationalities in our thinking if we pause, acknowledge what we are feeling and thinking in the moment, and challenge the unhelpful perception of failure and rejection as something that does not have to define us as a person or partner.
Though there were many tears during our ladies night, our night was also filled with laughter, hope, and perspective taking. Even in moments of emotional highs and lows, we may be able to free ourselves of self-persecution and being defined by behaviors of the past. Most importantly, my friend was able to identify that she needed to let go of the thing that she cannot control, which was her ex-boyfriend.
How did you move forward in working through a breakup? What has helped you navigate feelings of rejection?
