By: Alexander Gordon, M.A.
I vividly remember trying out for my school’s basketball team when I was in eighth grade. I was on the team the previous year and I believed that in order to be one of the “cool kids” and avoid the embarrassment, I needed to make the cut. Well, you know the end of this story. I missed practically every shot during the tryouts and remember the coach attempting to console me, telling me “some students are stronger in the classroom”. I was so dejected, some of my friends also tried to help me, pleading with the coach that I am a much better athlete and was just having a bad day on the court. Neither of these attempts to help me were very effective. Here’s why.
My inner dialogue was focused on how I needed to be on the team. If I didn’t make the team, I would be a failure, I thought. This led me to be anxious, knowing how high the stakes were and to perform through my anxiety, I told myself “I can do it. I can do it”. You would think that is a positive phrase, maybe one I picked up from The Little Engine that Could. But it didn’t work because I failed to consider that maybe I couldn’t. Instead, I created this expectation for myself that I am able to do it, and so I must. And if I don’t, I am worthless. Sounds pretty silly now, but that was my thought process at the time. In reality, I could have told myself “I really hope I make the team, but I can live with myself even if I don’t.” If this had been my belief, I would not likely have been so demanding on myself, attributing my worth to an event that I expected to occur.
When working with clients who motivate themselves using the phrase “I can do it”, I tend to question them, asking “And what if you can’t (ace the test, get him to like you, make the deadline, etc.)?” It sounds heartless, but I wish someone would’ve asked me that question prior to the tryout. I’m all for hoping for the best, so long as I also prepare for the worst. So instead of “I can do it,” I prefer “I hope I succeed, but I don’t NEED to, and I’ll get through it if I don’t”.
Consider your goals- do you need to or strongly prefer to achieve them?
