By:Christina Eagle, L.M.H.C.
Many people say “trust is earned not given.” But what happens when trust is broken within a relationship (between family, friends, employers, romantic partners etc.)? Do we become disappointed, sad, hurt, or angry? The answer is: all of the above are typical emotional responses when trust has been broken. When we begin to place a strong emphasis on the idea that the other person absolutely should not have betrayed our trust, we may experience unhealthy emotional and behavioral responses to the betrayal.
Groups of meaningful people in our lives can be difficult to address. With titles or categories of people we often place a higher/stronger value on the expectations. For example: If a family member (e.g., a matriarch) suddenly became ill, other members of the family may believe “Everyone must come together to show support.” This thinking may often lead to anger if it doesn’t happen, and it may also stop the person from thinking of alternative reasons or giving them the benefit of the doubt. Instead of saying, “The family must come together.”, one might say, “I would like it if everyone was able to attend for support but there’s no reason they absolutely must come. Maybe they’ll show love and support in other ways.”
Something as simple as a birthday event can also activate anger based on the expectations within friendships. “I trust that my friends will make me feel special for my birthday weekend. If they don’t go above and beyond then we are no longer friends because they should know me by now!” This belief is placing a strong demand on the friends and also setting yourself up for potential anger. Rather than placing a demand on your friends, try saying, I would like/love/prefer if my friends did something special for my birthday. But, there’s no reason they absolutely must.”
Marriage or partnerships can also be tricky. Consider a scenario where your partner or spouse has broken a promise/vow. We may tell ourselves they SHOULD NOT/MUST NOT commit this act. In actuality, life happens, people change, and people make mistakes. Yes, you may prefer for the other person not to break your trust, but where is it written that people MUST not make mistakes from time to time. While couples may forgive and work on the relationship, it is possible that the broken vow was significant enough to result in ending the relationship. The unhealthy negative emotions, however, can be problematic in effectively executing either option.
Take a moment to think about the last time you were angry because someone broke your trust. What did you say to yourself? Were you disappointed about the situation or angry because you unknowingly placed the expectation/demand on them to perform in a certain way? Trust is earned, not given. But, once it’s earned, does it become a demand for them to live up to?
