BY: Christina Eagle, L.M.H.C.
Titles, obligations, and expectations… Oh My! Having someone like a close friend a.k.a. Best Friend Forever (BFF) within your support system is beneficial in so many ways. They can be a shoulder to cry on, help you through hard times, celebrate achievements, and encourage you to be your best. But what happens when the support they provide becomes a demand or that they should fulfill their “duties” as your best friend?
It is incredibly easy to turn any of the aforementioned supportive roles into something that has become the “You MUST Monster.” You must be available when I need someone to talk to. You must be there for my birthday celebration or job promotion party. You must provide good and solid advice when I need help processing my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes we become comfortable enough that our demands cross over to feelings/behaviors resembling entitlement. Once this occurs, one may tend to become rather angry. As a result, friendships will get tested and unfortunately, sometimes end due to the emotional explosion.
On the other hand, if we appreciate the value the friend brings to our life and remove the demandingness, then our emotional response will change to feelings of frustration or disappointment rather than anger. Experiencing a healthy negative emotion also provides the ability to assess clearly if this person provides value to your life or if they continue to disappointment. Once you’re able to clearly assess the value & the level of disappointment, you can make a decision on whether to continue the relationship.
Imagine this, you’re angry because your best friend bailed on your birthday party the last minute. In return, you become completely pissed and end your friendship or you decide not to be as close to them anymore because they should have been in attendance or they should have never cancelled last minute. Now you’ve made an impulsive decision while experiencing unhealthy anger. Whereas, if you think, “I prefer if they did share this joyous moment with me, but there is no reason they absolutely must, your emotion, while still negative would likely be healthier. Instead of feelings of anger, you may feel frustrated or disappointed. At this point you will likely be in a better position to make a decision on the value in continuing a friendship with that person.
Can you learn to appreciate your friends without demanding they “act like a friend”?
