By: Ashley Oliver, M.S.
When I was a child, I would shy away from any form of confrontation out of fear. I was avoidant and I did not like arguments. I was always that person that said “it’s just not worth confronting” to every and any situation. Consequently, I learned very quickly that my avoidance was not resolving problems and I would be distressed for extended amounts of time. Fast forward to today. I have become more comfortable with dealing with confrontation (thanks to living in a house with 10 other people in college).
Confrontation is not something I enjoy doing, but it has become something that I have encountered and had to learn to navigate in my adult life, especially in the workplace. We all have likely dealt with “the rude coworker”, who either prides themselves in being a board-certified truth-teller and therefore doesn’t mind the impact of their words or one who is aloof to their blunt and ineffective communication style. I recently had an exchange with a person I worked with who took pride in the fact that they were very “honest and direct” which also translated to “rude” on most days. I needed to make a change in scheduling and they disagreed with my change, as it was inconvenient for their schedule. Keep in mind, this is a work setting that consistently has changes in scheduling so this is not a new occurrence. Their disagreement came to me in the form of passive aggressive comments followed by them wanting to confront me about their disapproval of the situation.
After the initial shock of being caught off guard wore off, I felt incredibly frustrated. Number 1: We are in the workplace so I felt the added pressure to respond professionally even though I wanted to reply in a sarcastic tone. Number 2: How dare they waste my time with this nonsense? For me, the response did not match the alleged offense. I proceeded to deal with the confrontation. We both shared our perspectives and we were able to come to a resolution (although the actual schedule did not change).
After our exchange, I left the conversation feeling angry that I had to even spend time having this conversation that in my opinion was not necessary. I was so concerned about my feelings and myself, I completely disregarded my co-workers. Though I believed I was justified in thinking that they made a mountain out of a molehill, how was it helping me to remain angry by this confrontation that happened in the past? The truth is that I was making myself angry by believing and demanding that my co-worker should not have expressed concern (which is unreasonable). Though I would have preferred for them to be okay with the change I had made, I unfortunately cannot dictate a person’s response to a potentially frustrating situation.
In reality, confrontation can be healthy. Though it is complex to navigate in the workplace, it is doable. There are many assertive and reasonable ways to speak up and express your opinion, and doing so might improve the situation more than you ever imagined. But you also have to learn to work through your own bias and unhelpful beliefs with regard to dealing with conflict. I cannot control conflict and neither can you. We can only try to do our best to navigate frustrating situations and build tolerance to others—no matter how prideful and annoying they may be. How do you manage confrontation? What helps you work through navigating frustrating people and situations?
