By: Kara Buda, M.A.
It’s been eight months since COVID-19 was recognized as a global pandemic. Since March, the way we live our daily lives has changed. The new normal has become staying at home, canceling vacations and major life events, and washing our hands, groceries, and surfaces more than ever before. You may find yourself in a state of hyper-vigilance, with masks, gloves, and hand sanitizer at the ready. You are doing all you can to play your part as a responsible citizen. So, it is not at all surprising that you find yourself feeling upset or even angry when you see someone you love or care for not taking social distancing regulations seriously. Your mind may wander, considering all the worst-case scenarios associated with not following social distance recommendations. You may even think to yourself, “How utterly rude are these people to not take this pandemic as seriously as I do?” But let me ask, how does this anxiety or anger serve you?
When we believe something is right or wrong, we may think that it is important for others to agree with us. We want people to follow the same rules and moral guidelines that we value. In the case of COVID-19, these thoughts may lead us to reach out to our family and friends, in hopes of changing their minds and changing their behaviors. But therein lies the issue. Just because we convey our beliefs and values with others, does not mean that others will agree. Just because we think they should be behaving in a certain way, does not mean that they will. Expecting others to change just because we think they should only serve to further exacerbate the anxiety or anger we feel. When we experience intense negative emotions such as anxiety and anger, it becomes even more difficult to behave in ways that serve us. Here, a conversation that started with the best intentions can quickly escalate into a big quarrel.
So what is it that we can do? Sharing our thoughts, beliefs, and how we feel with those we care about or love is an important piece of relationships. However we must manage our demands that others agree whole-heartedly and adjust their behavior. When approaching a difficult conversation regarding COVID-19, ask yourself, what is your goal? If your goal is to change the person’s behavior to reflect your personal values, you are placing a demand on the other person, one that may very well not be met. Instead of approaching the conversation with a list of demands fueled by our anxiety or anger, we can instead convey our concerns and preferences, and learn to accept if or when they are not met. By replacing our demands with preferences, we can become more flexible in changing our intense unhealthy negative emotions such as anxiety and anger, with healthy negative emotions such as concern or disappointment. Here, instead of demanding that your family or friends change, you can convey your own COVID-19 related rules, explain your reasons for having them, and voice your concern regarding their choices. By removing our demands, we can better move towards obtaining our goals, whether they are working towards changing what can realistically be changed and/or accepting in a healthy way what cannot.