Awaking in my tiny New York apartment, I find myself waiting for my third roommate to vacate the bathroom so I can quickly prepare for the day and catch the next train. As I brush my teeth, I notice a New York-style chestnut-colored roach scurrying down the wall. Instead of freaking out and screaming at the top of my lungs, I ponder, ‘’When did I become so accustomed to these creatures, barely flinching at their proximity?’’
It is a hell-hot August day, and I stand sweating, on the platform for my train which is delayed again. The platform is, as usual, a great reflection of nature – rats darting about, feeding their babies while the sharp mix of freshly smoked weed and the less savory scent of urine fills the air. The train is here! Look at it! It is packed with other New Yorkers, and I am just so happy to have a chance to squeeze my body into a sweating crowd and catch my class on time. There is always a party on the trains even at 8 a.m. I slowly turn off my audiobook and tune in to this gigantic speaker in the subway as it blasts, ‘’Concrete jungle where dreams are made of. There is nothing you can’t do…’’
Let me take off my rose-tinted glasses. Living here can be tough and sometimes unbearable! I hate it, but I love it! So how do I cope with the constant annoyances and frustrations? Let’s reflect on that.
Firstly, I recognize that some things are beyond my control such as housing conditions and the problems with the subway system. I can’t change them, so I accept them. Secondly, whenever I tell myself I cannot take this anymore, I somehow take it even more. Paradoxical but very real! So, I have enough evidence that I have tolerated all the frustration for more than 5 years. Do I want more of it? Absolutely not! Yet even the thought of I cannot stand it, or I have had it enough soaks me in anxiety and anger. So, rather than telling myself I cannot stand it, I tell myself ‘’This sucks, this is unpleasant, this is frustrating but I can tolerate it.’’ Lastly, I ask myself why I put up with it all. Well, I am getting my Ph.D., externing at my dream placements, I love nightlife, food, and the freedom of who I am, and the list goes on and on. My goals keep me here. I live in this city for a reason. Like everything else, it comes with pros and cons. I can take the smaller frustrations on the way to achieve my end goals.
Frustration Intolerance (FI) can be described as an intolerance of discomfort stemming from demands for ease and discomfort. Albert Ellis posited that people have beliefs about how much frustration and discomfort they can and they are willing to take. Within the REBT framework, individuals may harbor the belief that they cannot stand something they find frustrating or that they do not have the endurance in its presence, which we call irrational beliefs about FI. Rational tolerance, however, suggests that even though we might dislike the situation and like to change it, attaining our goals may require us to tolerate frustration and discomfort. Accepting or tolerating the situation does not mean giving up, submitting or passively accepting the events; it is a rational acknowledgement of the situation as it is.
So, dear New Yorkers and non-resident aliens, the next time you encounter a frustrating event – and I suspect you will, sooner rather than later – consider asking yourself these questions: 1) Is there anything I can do to change the conditions 2) Can I tolerate this? 3) Am I willing to tolerate this frustration for the sake of my goals?
Sometimes, beauty lies in the eye of the beholder and hopefully in the eye of a rational one.