It is human nature to compare ourselves to those around us. We often find ourselves measuring our worth against others. We may believe that X is funnier than us, Y is smarter than us, or Z is more successful than us. While any and all of these comparisons might be true, they do not diminish our value as individuals. Our worth isn’t contingent upon “besting” others in specific traits or accomplishments. We are no less deserving of interest, attention, or love if we fall short relative to others.
The Trap of Conditional Self-Esteem
Self-comparison can, and often does, prompt “conditional self-esteem.” This concept involves basing our self-worth on specific characteristics, or achievements. In the above example, we may be prone to base our self-esteem around such characteristics as intelligence, humor, or success. When we perceive ourselves as excelling in these areas compared to others, we might experience a temporary boost in self-esteem. On the opposite hand, when we feel that we fall short, we may face low self-esteem, which can lead to unhealthy emotions like depression or anxiety.
Imagine observing someone make a mistake that we believe we would never make. This observation might lead us to experience a sense of superiority or “high self-esteem.” On the other hand, if we make a mistake that someone else avoided, we might have “low self-esteem.” This fluctuating self-esteem based on comparisons can be incredibly destabilizing, leading to rapid fluctuations of emotions that depend heavily on external circumstances and perceptions.
Understanding Unconditional Self-Acceptance
REBT’s philosophy of unconditional self-acceptance emphasizes accepting ourselves wholly, even with our flaws and mistakes. It acknowledges that all humans are fallible and prone to error, and it is irrational to not accept ourselves or others for these imperfections, as we are all inherently imperfect.
Unconditional self-acceptance means recognizing our inherent worth as human beings, regardless of how we “stack up” to other people. It involves understanding that our value is not diminished by our shortcomings or enhanced by our accomplishments. This perspective encourages a more stable and resilient sense of self-worth that does not vary based on comparisons to those around us.
The Importance of Perspective
To commit ourselves fully to unconditional self-acceptance, it is important to shift our perspective away from what might feel natural. Rather than burdening ourselves with comparisons to those around us, we preferably strive to view ourselves as unique individuals with our own strengths and weaknesses. This shift involves acknowledging our common humanity, our shared innate tendency toward mistakes and imperfections, and recognition that our mistakes and imperfections are, rather than being absolute measures of worth, part of the human condition.
Practical Steps Toward Embracing Unconditional Self-Acceptance and Refraining from Social Comparison
While it can be difficult to accept ourselves unconditionally in our daily lives, there are steps we can take to work towards achieving it. One important step toward this goal is to monitor (and hopefully limit) our self-comparisons. It can be helpful to reduce the amount of time spent on activities that encourage social comparison, such as social media. In addition, it can be helpful to repeat rational self-statements to ourselves, serving as reminders that we are prone to imperfection and our imperfections do not make us any less worthy of attention, care, or respect than any other individual.
Conclusion
Ultimately, moving beyond self-comparison and conditional self-esteem requires a deep commitment to self-acceptance and a recognition of our inherent worth. It involves understanding that our value is not contingent upon outperforming others or meeting certain expectations. Instead, it is rooted in our very existence as unique, imperfect human beings.