The other day I was supposed to hang out with my girlfriend and some friends to watch a movie. She messaged me in the early afternoon asking if we could get a raincheck because she wasn’t feeling well and wanted to rest. Since she was feeling unwell, I felt like it was my duty as her partner to go over and help her out. When I offered to come over, she told me that she really appreciated the offer, but she preferred to just rest. While I was disappointed that I could not see her that day, I also felt a little anxious because I felt like I was not doing what I should be doing as her partner.

As people, we tend to let ourselves be governed by what we think we should be doing rather than doing what we want to do. Oftentimes that’s fine. I wouldn’t argue that someone should be able to go around hurting others because they want to. We place demands on ourselves to fit a certain image of how we think things should work. However, sometimes those demands can make us lose sight of the purpose of the action in the first place. I could have insisted that I come over to take care of her, but who would I be helping?

It is important that we ask ourselves “for whose benefit do I act in this moment?” Insisting I come over to help just because I believe that is what I should be doing only serves to make me feel better about myself rather than actually helping her. There is a difference between feeling an obligation to do something because of a demand we place on ourselves and wanting to do it. I wanted to help out so I offered. The problem would be if I pushed to come over just to satisfy the demands I placed on myself.

The best way to make sure that the action matches the goal is by trying to maintain as objective of a view of the situation as possible. If my goal is to help her out then giving her the space to rest is the best thing I can do to help out. By striving to understand how our own goals for the situation fit in with what is actually needed, we maximize our abilities to accomplish those goals.