I’m currently deep into marathon training, running 35-40 miles a week, with long runs stretching to 15-20 miles. It’s both physically and mentally exhausting. When I have a good run, I feel on top of the world, but after a bad run—where my time isn’t great or I feel completely physically and mentally depleted—I can’t help but think I’ve failed. Recently, after a tough long run that left me questioning my abilities, I started wondering: Why do I put so much pressure on myself? I’m training for a marathon, something very few people ever do, so why do I dwell on the negatives?
This inner struggle led me to a concept from Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) called demandingness—the rigid expectations we place on ourselves, others, and the world. It’s something that affects not just athletes but everyone, in various aspects of life.
Demandingness comes in three forms: Self-Demandingness is the belief that we must always perform perfectly. For runners, it means expecting a personal best every time, and thinking that I’m a failure when that doesn’t happen. In life, it’s the pressure to excel at work or school, leading to self-criticism when we fall short. Other-Demandingness is when we expect others to behave in certain ways—whether it’s expecting unwavering support from friends during training or setting too high expectations of loved ones, leading to disappointment. Finally, World-Demandingness is the assumption that life should be fair. When things like bad weather or injuries interfere with training, it’s easy to feel frustrated, much like when life throws us unexpected challenges.
Whether you’re training for a marathon or tackling everyday life, REBT offers tools to manage demandingness. Self-compassion is key—giving yourself grace for the ups and downs. Flexibility helps you adapt to the unpredictability of both training and life, while healthier self-talk can replace rigid expectations with more balanced thoughts. Finally, focusing on the process rather than the outcome helps you appreciate the journey rather than fixating on perfection.
Demandingness isn’t just a challenge for marathoners; it’s something we all face. Whether you’re pursuing a major goal or simply managing daily demands, be mindful of the pressure you place on yourself. Perfection isn’t necessary nor attainable—progress is. By practicing self-compassion, flexibility, and focusing on the journey, we can all manage stress and enjoy life more fully. Remember, you’re doing more than you give yourself credit for—be kind to yourself along the way.